Category 4 – Games
Most people are addicted to something in life. I am addicted to many things in life. First of all, I am addicted to life. Life has so much to offer and there is a lot of attractions out there. I am addicted to particular feelings. I am addicted to gambling and slightly addicted to alcohol. I love a drink or two, however, I dont like being drunk. I hate being drunk in general and hate the hangover in particular. But mostly I am addicted to games and gambling. I love the pulse, i love the strategies, i love the math, i love the analyses etc. Unfortunately i play far to much on sportsbetting. Poker is something else. I win at poker. I have won hundreds of tournaments during the years since 2007. I win on sportsbetting too, and have six figures winnings there but the rule for me is in general: Win on poker – blow it all on sportsbetting. I guess this is pretty standard for most pokerplayers. At least for pokerplayers that have played poker for many years. In the beginning we all take it seriously with money management and that shit but it always ends the same (not for all players but for many). When you play poker severeal days in the week for several years something changes in your brain. You became an addict, neither you want it or not. You get addicted to the winnings and then just poker is not enough.
In april 2012 I won two big tournaments on pokerstars within five days. It was a fantastick week. That monday i won 11k usd in the big 11. The sunday same week i won the bigger 22 for 16k (after a four way deal). I won almost a quarter million swedish kronor. That fucked up my brain hard time. That summer I blow a lot of those money on sportsbetting, in particular at ”Bomben”. So fucking stupid. I have one large win on Bomben, 110k swedish kronor on christmas eve 2010. Its a hard game. Impossible to win in the long run. I know that. I feel that. BUT, my mind was fucked up. I felt like a king after the big wins on poker. I felt unbeatable. I felt special. I was a complete moron. Fortunately I continued to win on poker that summer. So at the end of august the cash from the tournaments was still there. But I had developed a serious manic behaviour and it continued the year out. In january 2013 everything was almost gone. That has happend before, but not in this class, not with this figures.
Poker has and is important for me. It has been my income for many years. I havent worked much. Sorry, I rarely have had an stable income. I have worked much though. I have worked more than most people. 4 hours at work (the work that matter in other boring peoples eyes), 7 hours poker and 5 hours painting/writing is an average working day for me.
But when i finally got what i dreamed about, I blowed it. Up til these huge winnings in april 2012 i was disciplined when it came to sportsbetting. I always played 128 kr topptips, stryktips, powerplay and europatips. I never played on horses, lotto and lången. But after the huge winnings i started to play at many games and the stakes got higher and higher. I love poker. I hate sportsbetting.
The addictions to games in my youth was more nice and innocent. Back then it was video games who satisfied me. I rstill emember that christmas when I got Nintendo 8-bitars. I was so happy. In some way, i guess i was to happy. I was happy in a dangerous way when I look at it now. Becasue the danger with being to happy when things are great, you are doing well and you get what you want is that when things starts to get worse you will also fall deeper. If you easily get happy you easily will fall deeper in tougher periods. In a life time things will happen, negative things, and if you have been happy til that event you will fall, you will get a tough time. If you can you should finding som balance in life. Take the good with the bad and realize that life is tough. There are no guarantees in life. Be happy with what you have. Realise that you dont need any more commercial shit. You should stop looking. I have problems with finding that balance. I have big downs and big ups. This concerns poker also. I get to happy when I win. The problem? When i have down swings i get to sad. That's a problem, because when you start a poker tournament you will fail way more times then you will succeed. The easy conclusion based on that assumption is that I mostly is a very sad person. It is not that bad as it sounds, but I guess there i some truth in it.
Back to christmas eve. I think i was nine years old or something. I got Metroid, Ice Climber and Kid Icarus along with the console. We spent christmas at my grandmother. My father and my uncle helped me with the installation. This was the eighties. The TV:s was not that innovated and we had some problems with the installation. I remember that I became crazy. I got really upset. I wanted to play!! But it didnt work. I can remember that frustration and that anger i felt back then so clearly. I had to wait. But I didn't want to wait. But I had to wait until the day after until I could play Metroid and all other games on Nintendo.
I have always wanted more. I never get satisfied. That is both a gift and a threat. A gift in that way that I want to finish projects, i can push my self really hard and I never give up. A threat in that way that things doesnt always turns out as I thought and you most often dont get what you want. But I want more and therefore there often is a hole in me. Since I started meditating it has become more easy. That helps me realising that the happiness isnt out there, instead the happiness lies within. You dont get happier when you buy a new car or win an huge tournament. You became more satisfied but that has nothing to do with happiness or the ”inner calm”. The happiness lies within in and if you dig deep enough you will find. Most people today are to stressed to dive in to them self. Instead they buy new things. The key is also to find the child within you. We dont stop playing because we get older. We stop playing because we are supposed to when we get older, not because we want to.
I am an addict nature and always wants more. If i grab a beer I want another one, if i play a tournament I want to play more tournaments. And so on. I guess i live in the perfect society then? I mean, we can download whatever the hell we want on Piratebay, look at 30 episodes of Rederiet in a row on svt play, we can play thousands of games on the stupid cellular phone, the grossery store is open 24 -7, we can read magazines on the internet, we can look at porn on the internet 24-7, we can do sportsbetting on the internet, nowadays we also can play live on the games, if I want to play poker its open 24-7 and so on. There are no limitations at all. We are spoiled!we think we need these things but the truth is that it destroys us.
Do you see what I see? We are getting bombed. Napalms are flewing all over us. We are at war. And the enemies is the commercial companys. Companies who follows the american concept such as”living the dream and it is not over until I win”. But we are so owned. We are so owned and for a person like me I live in a very dangerous society. I am not rational. I am emotinal. My life is motivated and driven by feelings and by emotions rather than by rational thinking.
Today, we say that the man kind are so rational and reasonable. I dont think thats true. I know thats not true. But everything is supposed to be perfect in todays society. Many people show pictures of things, occasions, families, friends on social medias such as facebook and instagram. That is, we take rational and reasonable photos and show our friends the percect family, the perfect dinner and the perfect clothes. But the pictures doesnt tell what we really FEEL. You can write something on facebook that seems to refer to an happy event but you might feel the opposite. Everything is a game, a false and disgusting game. I dont buy it. I hate it. It makes me sick. And most important, we are owned by commercial shit. Everywhere you look you are bombed by commercials. Commercials that knows exactly how the brain works. They know that, no matter how much we talk about the reasonable and rational human being, we are mostly driven by emotions. People driven by emotions are easy targets for the commercial companies.
Therefore I have chosen to get rid of my television. I only watch at svt on the computer. No commercials for me. I dont read Aftonbladet. I watch som TV on Aftonbladet so i am not rid of all commercials. Its hard to avoid commercials in the society today. But i try to be reasonable and rational in my choices in order to avoid commercial companies use me. Becuase I live my life mainly driven on feelings.... If I am on Facebook? Of course... Add me, like me!!!
I bought an I-phone for two years ago. That made me stop writing for six months. There were so many things to play with on the phone. Games, social media and other fucking apps. If I thought it was funny and intresting. What will todays children, I have heard they get Iphones when theyare nine years old or so, think about the stunning Iphone? I think that the technique will stress them, own them, frustrate them and destroy them. At least I couldnt be mean to other people by playing Nintendo back in the 80s. Nowadays it never have been easier to be mean to friends in school. Just go in on facebook and create a group that says ”Everyone who hates Lisa” and so on. Another negative aspect that people stop talking to each other mouth to mouth and that open up for misunderstandings etc. I could write a whole book about this but I stop here.
I guess man kind always has been owned by profit searching idiots. But nowadays its unbelievable and quite stunning. In Sweden back in the eighties we had no commercial TV-channels. We had just two simple channels. There was no internet, just one radiochannel and so on. We had to rent a VHS in order to watch a movie. Everything is more ”easy now”. But really should it be easy? No, i prefer the past. Basta.
Most people are addicted to something in life. I am addicted to many things in life. First of all, I am addicted to life. Life has so much to offer and there is a lot of attractions out there. I am addicted to particular feelings. I am addicted to gambling and slightly addicted to alcohol. I love a drink or two, however, I dont like being drunk. I hate being drunk in general and hate the hangover in particular. But mostly I am addicted to games and gambling. I love the pulse, i love the strategies, i love the math, i love the analyses etc. Unfortunately i play far to much on sportsbetting. Poker is something else. I win at poker. I have won hundreds of tournaments during the years since 2007. I win on sportsbetting too, and have six figures winnings there but the rule for me is in general: Win on poker – blow it all on sportsbetting. I guess this is pretty standard for most pokerplayers. At least for pokerplayers that have played poker for many years. In the beginning we all take it seriously with money management and that shit but it always ends the same (not for all players but for many). When you play poker severeal days in the week for several years something changes in your brain. You became an addict, neither you want it or not. You get addicted to the winnings and then just poker is not enough.
In april 2012 I won two big tournaments on pokerstars within five days. It was a fantastick week. That monday i won 11k usd in the big 11. The sunday same week i won the bigger 22 for 16k (after a four way deal). I won almost a quarter million swedish kronor. That fucked up my brain hard time. That summer I blow a lot of those money on sportsbetting, in particular at ”Bomben”. So fucking stupid. I have one large win on Bomben, 110k swedish kronor on christmas eve 2010. Its a hard game. Impossible to win in the long run. I know that. I feel that. BUT, my mind was fucked up. I felt like a king after the big wins on poker. I felt unbeatable. I felt special. I was a complete moron. Fortunately I continued to win on poker that summer. So at the end of august the cash from the tournaments was still there. But I had developed a serious manic behaviour and it continued the year out. In january 2013 everything was almost gone. That has happend before, but not in this class, not with this figures.
Poker has and is important for me. It has been my income for many years. I havent worked much. Sorry, I rarely have had an stable income. I have worked much though. I have worked more than most people. 4 hours at work (the work that matter in other boring peoples eyes), 7 hours poker and 5 hours painting/writing is an average working day for me.
But when i finally got what i dreamed about, I blowed it. Up til these huge winnings in april 2012 i was disciplined when it came to sportsbetting. I always played 128 kr topptips, stryktips, powerplay and europatips. I never played on horses, lotto and lången. But after the huge winnings i started to play at many games and the stakes got higher and higher. I love poker. I hate sportsbetting.
The addictions to games in my youth was more nice and innocent. Back then it was video games who satisfied me. I rstill emember that christmas when I got Nintendo 8-bitars. I was so happy. In some way, i guess i was to happy. I was happy in a dangerous way when I look at it now. Becasue the danger with being to happy when things are great, you are doing well and you get what you want is that when things starts to get worse you will also fall deeper. If you easily get happy you easily will fall deeper in tougher periods. In a life time things will happen, negative things, and if you have been happy til that event you will fall, you will get a tough time. If you can you should finding som balance in life. Take the good with the bad and realize that life is tough. There are no guarantees in life. Be happy with what you have. Realise that you dont need any more commercial shit. You should stop looking. I have problems with finding that balance. I have big downs and big ups. This concerns poker also. I get to happy when I win. The problem? When i have down swings i get to sad. That's a problem, because when you start a poker tournament you will fail way more times then you will succeed. The easy conclusion based on that assumption is that I mostly is a very sad person. It is not that bad as it sounds, but I guess there i some truth in it.
Back to christmas eve. I think i was nine years old or something. I got Metroid, Ice Climber and Kid Icarus along with the console. We spent christmas at my grandmother. My father and my uncle helped me with the installation. This was the eighties. The TV:s was not that innovated and we had some problems with the installation. I remember that I became crazy. I got really upset. I wanted to play!! But it didnt work. I can remember that frustration and that anger i felt back then so clearly. I had to wait. But I didn't want to wait. But I had to wait until the day after until I could play Metroid and all other games on Nintendo.
I have always wanted more. I never get satisfied. That is both a gift and a threat. A gift in that way that I want to finish projects, i can push my self really hard and I never give up. A threat in that way that things doesnt always turns out as I thought and you most often dont get what you want. But I want more and therefore there often is a hole in me. Since I started meditating it has become more easy. That helps me realising that the happiness isnt out there, instead the happiness lies within. You dont get happier when you buy a new car or win an huge tournament. You became more satisfied but that has nothing to do with happiness or the ”inner calm”. The happiness lies within in and if you dig deep enough you will find. Most people today are to stressed to dive in to them self. Instead they buy new things. The key is also to find the child within you. We dont stop playing because we get older. We stop playing because we are supposed to when we get older, not because we want to.
I am an addict nature and always wants more. If i grab a beer I want another one, if i play a tournament I want to play more tournaments. And so on. I guess i live in the perfect society then? I mean, we can download whatever the hell we want on Piratebay, look at 30 episodes of Rederiet in a row on svt play, we can play thousands of games on the stupid cellular phone, the grossery store is open 24 -7, we can read magazines on the internet, we can look at porn on the internet 24-7, we can do sportsbetting on the internet, nowadays we also can play live on the games, if I want to play poker its open 24-7 and so on. There are no limitations at all. We are spoiled!we think we need these things but the truth is that it destroys us.
Do you see what I see? We are getting bombed. Napalms are flewing all over us. We are at war. And the enemies is the commercial companys. Companies who follows the american concept such as”living the dream and it is not over until I win”. But we are so owned. We are so owned and for a person like me I live in a very dangerous society. I am not rational. I am emotinal. My life is motivated and driven by feelings and by emotions rather than by rational thinking.
Today, we say that the man kind are so rational and reasonable. I dont think thats true. I know thats not true. But everything is supposed to be perfect in todays society. Many people show pictures of things, occasions, families, friends on social medias such as facebook and instagram. That is, we take rational and reasonable photos and show our friends the percect family, the perfect dinner and the perfect clothes. But the pictures doesnt tell what we really FEEL. You can write something on facebook that seems to refer to an happy event but you might feel the opposite. Everything is a game, a false and disgusting game. I dont buy it. I hate it. It makes me sick. And most important, we are owned by commercial shit. Everywhere you look you are bombed by commercials. Commercials that knows exactly how the brain works. They know that, no matter how much we talk about the reasonable and rational human being, we are mostly driven by emotions. People driven by emotions are easy targets for the commercial companies.
Therefore I have chosen to get rid of my television. I only watch at svt on the computer. No commercials for me. I dont read Aftonbladet. I watch som TV on Aftonbladet so i am not rid of all commercials. Its hard to avoid commercials in the society today. But i try to be reasonable and rational in my choices in order to avoid commercial companies use me. Becuase I live my life mainly driven on feelings.... If I am on Facebook? Of course... Add me, like me!!!
I bought an I-phone for two years ago. That made me stop writing for six months. There were so many things to play with on the phone. Games, social media and other fucking apps. If I thought it was funny and intresting. What will todays children, I have heard they get Iphones when theyare nine years old or so, think about the stunning Iphone? I think that the technique will stress them, own them, frustrate them and destroy them. At least I couldnt be mean to other people by playing Nintendo back in the 80s. Nowadays it never have been easier to be mean to friends in school. Just go in on facebook and create a group that says ”Everyone who hates Lisa” and so on. Another negative aspect that people stop talking to each other mouth to mouth and that open up for misunderstandings etc. I could write a whole book about this but I stop here.
I guess man kind always has been owned by profit searching idiots. But nowadays its unbelievable and quite stunning. In Sweden back in the eighties we had no commercial TV-channels. We had just two simple channels. There was no internet, just one radiochannel and so on. We had to rent a VHS in order to watch a movie. Everything is more ”easy now”. But really should it be easy? No, i prefer the past. Basta.